The power of communication is often unleashed not by what is said but how it is said. Someone recently told me the story of a blind boy with a begging dish and a sign...

that read, “I am blind, please help.” His little bowl began to overflow with coins when a kindly stranger turned the sign around and wrote the words, “Today is a beautiful day, but I cannot see it.” The underlying message in both cases was the same, but the effect was remarkably different.

We parents should learn from the story. When we tell our children, “You are such a slob!” the underlying message is the same as telling them, “It makes me sad when your room looks like this,” but the effect will be altogether different. Our children pick up their initial patterns of discourse, argumentation, and explanation from us. The way we interact and communicate with them sets habits and expectations that they will carry into their adult lives either as powerful tools or as terrible burdens. One of our most important goals, as parents, therefore, is to establish patterns of positive communication that will uplift and encourage our children by modeling and instructing them in developing interactive communication patterns they can then use to nurture the most important relationships in their lives such as siblings, relatives, friends…. Later they will be prepared to extend those learned communication patterns to spouse, children, neighbors, and employers.

Communication between parents and their children presents some difficult challenges, but we can improve our communication with our children by following a few simple rules:

• Begin statements with “I” rather than “you.” “You” sentences trigger defensive responses. For example, rather than saying, “You’re really rude!” say something like, “I’m angry that you walked out of the room while I was talking with you.”

• Resist generalizations. Rather than saying, for example, “You never clear the table,” say, “You forgot to clear the table this evening.”

• Be as specific as possible when asking for something. Instead of saying, “Don’t forget to take out the garbage,” say, “Please take out the garbage before you go to school.”

• Avoid questions that can be answered YES/NO. Rather than saying things like, “Did you have a good day at school?” Say, “Tell me about your day at school.” Questions of these type provide a better invitation for conversation.

• Stick to one topic at a time. Avoid saying such things as, “I want to talk with you about your report card, and by the way, I don’t like the way you treated your brother last night.” Instead, say something like, “I would like to talk to you about your report card. When would be a good time to do that?”

• Avoid attacking. Follow these three steps for resolving areas of tension between you and your child: 1. Name your feeling. 2. State the reason for your feeling. 3. State what you would like. For example, don’t say, “ You’re so inconsiderate! You knew I’d be worried when you weren’t on time for dinner.” Instead, say something like, “I’m angry because you were late for dinner. In the future I would like you to call to let me know you’re going to be late so I won’t worry.”

• Listening is more important than talking. We show our children that we respect them when we listen attentively to what they are trying to say. An act of deliberate listening sets a positive tone and lowers defenses. When your teenager is talking with you, always do the following:

• Establish eye contact but don’t stare.

• Don’t interrupt.

• Encourage your teen to keep talking by using short phrases like “Uh-huh” or “I see.”

• Maintain an open posture. Don’t cross your arms.

• Ask clarifying questions like, “I don’t quite understand what you mean; could you explain that again?”

• Check to make sure you are understanding correctly. For example, you might say, “If I’m hearing you correctly, you’re angry with me because you feel like I put you down last night.”

Our children’s sense of self-worth depends upon the affirmations they receive from us. By establishing clear, non-judgmental inter-personal channels of communication with our children we encourage the development of healthy personal qualities such as serenity, approval, and recognition. None of our kids will ever feel “all right” about their choices, attitudes, and behaviors without an intimate and ongoing values-centered exchange of ideas, feelings, and beliefs with others, beginning with us, their parents. Therefore, an inescapable responsibility is laid upon us to both teach and model positive communication styles and thus provide our children with kind, gentle, and encouraging messages that have the power to lift fallen spirits, overcome depression, provide psychic energy to face otherwise overwhelming challenges, and maximize their potential for success in every area of life.

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